I started dance classes at just 4 years old and have always loved performing and being on stage, which is kind of ironic because I'm normally quite introverted. I knew from a very young age I wanted to ‘BE’ someone. I wanted to be the best, to be successful. But for as long as I can remember I was extremely insecure and always doubted myself. Constantly asking my parents if they loved me, if I was good enough, if I was pretty enough…my self comparison game started quite young. This innocent hobby had started early on in my life. Observing the talents and traits of those I admired around me, I believed that comparing myself to others then following it up with harsh criticism, that it would somehow help me become a better version of myself. I remember thinking that if only I would try to be a little bit more like Sarah whom all the teachers in primary school loved, and if I was smart like Aaron, then I’d be more popular and liked by everyone around me. This little game quickly became an addiction, which was an easy trap to fall into, and the cycle of self-perpetuating hate and self-loathing was born.
These feelings soon evolved into the facts that shaped my world and they continued to magnify as I spent many hours of my childhood and teenage years in dance classes surrounded by mirrors and the general message that echoed my core philosophy of ‘You’re not good enough.’
At the age of 14, it became very obvious that comparing myself to everyone and everything, both physically and mentally, was slowly killing me. It wasn’t the comparison so much as the thoughts and sick cycle that followed. Comparison was quickly followed by senseless judgments and self-criticism, which rapidly gave birth to self-loathing; this pattern and these thoughts had now become a part of my relentless daily self-talk that I couldn’t silence, even if I tried.
Looking back, I spent so many days, weeks and years asking myself disempowering questions: Why am I here? Why was I born? Why am I still alive?
But there was one moment which changed me forever. The inquisitiveness of my thoughts seemed to switch, and instantaneously these reflections of ‘Why am I here?’ evolved, emerging into an unfamiliar, shadowy thought sitting at the forefront of my mind which I couldn’t ignore. I normally never found the answer to my questions; I would ask and ask with nothing, no reply, but today was different. I heard something terrifying yet sickly comforting which, although it had me scared, it made me equally calm at the same time. Why am I here?
The voice replied softly, What if you weren’t? What if you were no longer alive?
From that moment forward at just 14 years old I became obsessed with how I could exit this world.
I grew up with very loving parents. We always had everything we needed, were spoilt on Christmas and birthdays, and went on great holidays. But despite having every need met and feeling very lucky with my family, something inside of me seemed to crave more. It wasn’t until much later, well into my teen years, when I stumbled across a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It outlines the five ways that we both express and experience love in our closest relationships.
That book offered a greater understanding of myself and was probably the catalyst for wanting to know more about personal behaviour and human potential. It was a revelation to me that we can think, behave and act so differently, yet it could be categorised into five simple groups. Upon reading the contents and introduction, I had already summed myself up and identified how I received love – through words of affirmation. I quickly discovered I needed praise like people need water. Every hour on the hour. More would’ve been ideal! It really didn’t matter how much my parents provided for me, helped me with my homework, or bought me great gifts, this little kid needed words of love and lots of it – constantly!
Waiting for words, I got actions of love, gifts, and everything else every little girl needs to feel confident and safe, but this fell short of what I thought love was. To me, words were love and love was words, this and nothing more. I realise now that had I not had everything else I needed, maybe the words would have been of less importance. However, when I started school it also became very apparent that my teachers weren’t throwing out words of praise and affirmation unless you did something incredibly brilliant and noteworthy. So, at a very young age I made the silly assumption that if I wasn’t receiving praise, it was my fault because I assumed I wasn’t being good enough to receive the approval I was seeking. This caused me to form a belief for myself that has haunted and controlled me most of my life. I believe that it’s the one that echoes in many people’s lives, especially women.
I’m not good enough.
My thoughts continued to affirm and reaffirm this belief, and that swiftly transmuted into my daily self-talk.
As a young teenager, I came to the horrible realisation that I really didn’t like myself. In fact, with the overwhelming sadness that seemed to grow on a daily basis, it was easy to conclude that I actually despised all that I had become. I effortlessly found flaws in almost everything I did or didn’t do, and I spent countless hours ridiculing the many aspects of both my physical appearance and personality in front of the mirror. I can recall many occasions when I would lock myself in my room and stand screaming and sobbing in succession at my reflection in an effort to somehow demand more of myself through abuse. Thanks to consistency in my comparison game, I had convinced myself deeply of my widespread incompetence in all areas of my life, and so began the questioning of why I was born.
My questioning didn’t stop and rapidly turned to anger. I was angry that I felt I didn’t have a choice, that there was no way out of my head, and I couldn’t shake these dark thoughts plaguing my mind. This slippery slope soon found me in a self-made pool of depression. I remember fantasising daily about no longer being alive and how I could make that my reality.
During my twenties I turned to the church for hope an answers, but that didn’t seem to work either, they only reflected my inner most fear that I wasn’t good enough. Not for myself and certainty not for God. Broken marriage I planned to end my life, however was interrupted.
My quest to take my own life lead me to a Bob Proctor where for the first time I’d heard the most magical words ever uttered. ‘You can have anything you want’ all I wanted was not not hate myself SO much and to not want to take my own life.
He continued to say, ‘If you do exactly what I tell you, you can have anything you want’ I don’t know why I believed him? I had been obsessed with personal development for a long time, but he was just so sure a confident in what he was saying that I decided I would do exactly what he said.
It was the hardest thing in my life that I have ever done, but he was right, I shifted my 21 year suicidal self-hating paradigm in just 41 days! A complete mental transformation. Now I'm helping people all over the world realise they too can have anything they want.
I believe 'SAD' Suicide, Anxiety and Depression are very real and a pandemic that’s affecting the world with very little understanding or assistance to truly change and live a completely different life. We’re told to manage our anxiety and live with depression – keep it at bay. I know first hand that’s not living. I was merely existing for decades.
I believe that SAD becomes a habitual way of thinking and develops into a sick cycle of hate and despair and becomes so apart of us and our personality that we think there is no way out, we’re trapped with no hope.
I’m helping people on how to use their mind how to think and how to transform ANY desire into getting exactly what they want.
